She was once mine

In our life, there’s always someone who will leave a mark on your heart. Like a beautiful flower that blooms in the morning sky. This person will make you think about yourself especially when she’s around. You will think that she’s looking at you and she’s eager to ask for your name too. These are the thoughts I had in mind when I approached Patria. Yes, let me introduced you to Patria. This person holds a part of my heart and no matter how many tears have dropped, I just don’t seem to get over her.

Patria is several years younger than me, and I met her during our sales conference in Davao. Her beauty and simplicity stand out. I remember her smile, her warm eyes, and the way she handles herself. Why did I like her? I cringed every time I remember pronouncing that I loved her because my tiny and tender brain couldn’t comprehend why I am feeling that way. But what caught my attention was how she put on her eyeglasses. She looked and smiled at me as if to remind me that my childhood dreams are within me.

Yes, I have a fascination with ladies wearing eyeglasses. It all started when I first saw Backstreet Boys’ As Long As You Love Me music video. The ladies in the audition were all beautiful. But my eyes are on the head judge wearing eyeglasses. I even watched that video several times.  Because I was amazed at how she look; smart, sexy and confident. Since then it never left me. Every time I saw a lady wearing eyeglasses. I would take a second look and tell myself, “Hello, beautiful.”

That’s what I felt when I saw Patria across the table. It’s like a flashback of my childhood memories. That reminded me of my childhood promise that I would find a girl like the one in the music video. I was watching her. That was the first time I knew I could do a series of tasks at the same time. As I listened to the facilitator, I was thinking of her, and I am looking at her. When she went out to go to the comfort room I grabbed the opportunity. I waited outside pretending I was talking to someone on my phone. When she was in the alley, I smiled. She smiled. I extended my hand and introduced myself. She accepted my hand. I asked about her location. She told me that it was just her second week and she’s still learning the ropes. It was like a million light bulb flickering telling me it’s a hint. With confidence, I said to her, “Any time that you need a help about something. You can call me. I will help you,” and offered her my number. She took her phone out, saved my number and said, “Yes, I will call you.”

Small talk. That’s how I described that moment. But it was heavenly. I entered the seminar room with a new spirit. I was smiling. I avoided her eyes to hide what I feel. But every time I looked at their corner and looked at her. She would look at me, too, and smile. I don’t know what the speaker was saying at that moment. All I know was that I am inspired, elated and in love. She was beautiful. Beautiful because she handles herself well and her eye-wear looks good on her.

I waited for her to call me. A week had passed without a word from her. I remember I was reminding myself, be patient. I was in agony when the second week arrived. The excitement was now beginning to fade. I was not thinking about it anymore. Time passes like how it’s used to be before I even met her. My sales target, daily activities, and the people I have to deal with every day. They made me forget her.

“Hey!” It was Wednesday evening when I received this text. I asked who it was. I was under the impression that it’s just one of our clients. “Pat here. Are you busy?” I asked again just to confirm and to hide my excitement when I confirmed that it was her. It was like a rush of blood into my heart. I’m in heaven again. We’ve talked about our job. As much as possible I tried to accommodate all her questions. I was glad I was able to answer it. And we ended up the evening with thank you and good nights. But that evening was special to me. I remember I was lying in bed, holding my phone and staring at her number. As I said “This is it. Take care of it.”

Days turns to weeks. Our communication became daily and we exchanged ideas on regular basis. But what I love about it was she would leave me with just enough space in our conversation.  So that I could know more about her, talk more and figure out more about her. She is witty, and I find it amusing. She loves her family. Her motivations were noble. She compliments me a lot. She became my listening ear. Especially at that time where my identity stretched in many directions. I am pressured at work. My failed marriage. The redundancy of work-home-work was now beginning to take its toll on me. That’s when she started to make an impact in my life.

We exchanged text message every moment we’re available. We would have quick talks. Late night conversations. Lean on each other during down times. I did not know if she was serious with me, or if I am just one of those guys giving her attention that she wanted. We talked and texted like we knew each other for so long. Within weeks of talking, we became very close as we shared the challenges of our job. Some annoying clients and lifestyle restriction. Our religious beliefs, our hurts, and the things we want to do in life. We talked about life experiences, wants and needs, and desires.

After many days of talking to each other. We’ve decided to meet. Under one condition, since Sunday was the only day we’re both available. If I could travel to Mati from Cotabato City she would accommodate me in her room. I thought for a moment about the distance I would have to travel just to be with her. But the thought of being with her in her own room made me excited. I saved up enough money for my fare and allowance. And I mustered up all the courage that I have to go in an unfamiliar place and be with her.

I left Cotabato City at 5:00 PM right after my work. It was Saturday. I was carrying a backpack filled with emotion and excitement. It was a long and tiring trip, as expected. But she was with me all along. Texting, calling me and asking how my trip was and my location. It was 2:00 AM when I reached Mati. She decided that she will not go out to pick me and just told me to ride a tricycle and go to the address that she texted. The tricycle driver did not send me to the exact location. It was two o’clock in the morning. I was walking in an unfamiliar place while all the people are asleep. I was looking for an address. It was the risk I have to take. To be honest, I even told myself, what if she’s just playing with me? But I found it anyway. She was there waiting for me. Outside of the house where she was staying.

I was hesitant at first but I entered the house and into her room. I can’t remember how it felt but it was like a bolt of lightning. I couldn’t think straight. It also felt like my mind was over by my senses and I felt hypnotized. I could smell her sweet fragrance. My eyes lusted on what she was wearing. As we finally settled and talked about my trip. She pointed and asked me where I want to sleep. She said that I could sleep on the floor or if I want I could sleep with her. Like a little kid waiting for instruction. The weeks of sexual tension. Especially not being able to see each other, helped me reached second base. This is fun. The surge of adrenaline when a girl was lying next to you was intoxicating. She was lying, her back on my face, her body against mine. I could feel the warmth of her skin. I hugged her. I kissed her shoulder and said goodnight. And she reciprocated by taking my hand and hugged it close to her. My hand was on her chest. I was sweating. My mind was telling me to make a move. My consciousness was telling me to please my raging testosterone. I felt I was on top of the world. It was just a couple of months ago when I met her in a conference. Now, she’s here lying by my side and I could feel her breathing. I could feel her body. I could feel her skin. She’s not wearing anything under her shirt. I felt like I climaxed at that moment. Finally, I will not be alone anymore. I love the feeling of being in love. And the thought of not being single anymore. These desires are now fulfilled by someone.

I did not know what to do next. I was asking myself, do I want to sleep with her? Is this relationship all physical? What about my failed marriage? Am I entitled to do this? Where do we go from here? What if our boss found out about us? The mysterious mixed of emotions and testosterone kicked in and just wipe out any trace of logic in my mind. I don’t know if she felt I was nervous or deciding if I would make a move or not. But she remained in her position, hugging my hand into her chest. I let it passed by and just decided to doze off. We remained in that position until the sun was up in the horizon.

In the morning, she decided to tour me around the city. We decided to visit some tourist spot while I was holding her hands. I was observing her. The way she talks and her manners, it’s like she was more confident and trusting now. I’m glad that I didn’t make a move that evening. She was moving and expressing herself more to me. She’s beautiful. Looking at her, sporting that eye-wear placed on her face. Now, I am beginning to see the real her. She was making an impression. She was making herself a place in my heart. I reeled in a good catch. I am now holding a girl that many guys had dreamed about as I hugged her and kissed her on her forehead. All the questions that were running in my mind are now beginning to fade. I am now feeling the freedom. I could love her. This could be it.

It was a tiring day. We visited places here and there. When we got home, I held her hand and pulled her close to me. I removed her eyeglasses. Kissed her. We both let it loose. It was the best sex I’ve had and I believe we both deserve it. Even though I knew I was not going to be able to handle being this far I still initiated and pursued her within my moving months. That was not my last visit. And every time we’ve had our quarterly seminar at Davao. We would wink at each other and meet and stay somewhere after the meeting. Each encounter would be better than the other. It was intense. We were like craving for each other so often. We’ve spent a lot of evening together. Spent Christmas and New Year together.

When she decided to resigned it was evident that this time it would be hard for both of us. She found a new job where the location was far more distanced than the last one. She was reaching out to me. I attempted to keep talking through the location difference between us. But I pulled away from her and found a replacement to fill my void. I pretended to be busy and preoccupied for two weeks. Patria is now in an undesirable location while I was complementing my new found friend. It was sudden. She’s out my life now.

I made a lot of mistakes and wrong decisions in life. I am not writing this to flaunt about my sexual desires, nor am I not proud of it. I needed this to cleanse my mind. This article is my way of admitting that I’ve hurt good and genuine people in my life. Like Patria who trusted me with her full conscience and being. My testosterone filled ego and naive mind had decided to walk into her life. Then ripping whatever was good and setting it in flames. As a result of my poor judgment and lack of self-control.

Patria is now married with a new kid. I visited her Facebook account sometimes to see how she was while I am desperate and looking for a female friend whom I can trust with my heart. I guess the dents in my heart have put me in an unhealthy predicament, which I am desperate to fix.

I am still attracted to female wearing eyeglasses. But this time I am contented to just look at it. Who knows what tomorrow would bring? Maybe another one would come along as I continue to heal and tend my wounds.