She was once mine

In our life, there’s always someone who will leave a mark on your heart. Like a beautiful flower that blooms in the morning sky. This person will make you think about yourself especially when she’s around. You will think that she’s looking at you and she’s eager to ask for your name too. These are the thoughts I had in mind when I approached Patria. Yes, let me introduced you to Patria. This person holds a part of my heart and no matter how many tears have dropped, I just don’t seem to get over her.

Patria is several years younger than me, and I met her during our sales conference in Davao. Her beauty and simplicity stand out. I remember her smile, her warm eyes, and the way she handles herself. Why did I like her? I cringed every time I remember pronouncing that I loved her because my tiny and tender brain couldn’t comprehend why I am feeling that way. But what caught my attention was how she put on her eyeglasses. She looked and smiled at me as if to remind me that my childhood dreams are within me.

Yes, I have a fascination with ladies wearing eyeglasses. It all started when I first saw Backstreet Boys’ As Long As You Love Me music video. The ladies in the audition were all beautiful. But my eyes are on the head judge wearing eyeglasses. I even watched that video several times.  Because I was amazed at how she look; smart, sexy and confident. Since then it never left me. Every time I saw a lady wearing eyeglasses. I would take a second look and tell myself, “Hello, beautiful.”

That’s what I felt when I saw Patria across the table. It’s like a flashback of my childhood memories. That reminded me of my childhood promise that I would find a girl like the one in the music video. I was watching her. That was the first time I knew I could do a series of tasks at the same time. As I listened to the facilitator, I was thinking of her, and I am looking at her. When she went out to go to the comfort room I grabbed the opportunity. I waited outside pretending I was talking to someone on my phone. When she was in the alley, I smiled. She smiled. I extended my hand and introduced myself. She accepted my hand. I asked about her location. She told me that it was just her second week and she’s still learning the ropes. It was like a million light bulb flickering telling me it’s a hint. With confidence, I said to her, “Any time that you need a help about something. You can call me. I will help you,” and offered her my number. She took her phone out, saved my number and said, “Yes, I will call you.”

Small talk. That’s how I described that moment. But it was heavenly. I entered the seminar room with a new spirit. I was smiling. I avoided her eyes to hide what I feel. But every time I looked at their corner and looked at her. She would look at me, too, and smile. I don’t know what the speaker was saying at that moment. All I know was that I am inspired, elated and in love. She was beautiful. Beautiful because she handles herself well and her eye-wear looks good on her.

I waited for her to call me. A week had passed without a word from her. I remember I was reminding myself, be patient. I was in agony when the second week arrived. The excitement was now beginning to fade. I was not thinking about it anymore. Time passes like how it’s used to be before I even met her. My sales target, daily activities, and the people I have to deal with every day. They made me forget her.

“Hey!” It was Wednesday evening when I received this text. I asked who it was. I was under the impression that it’s just one of our clients. “Pat here. Are you busy?” I asked again just to confirm and to hide my excitement when I confirmed that it was her. It was like a rush of blood into my heart. I’m in heaven again. We’ve talked about our job. As much as possible I tried to accommodate all her questions. I was glad I was able to answer it. And we ended up the evening with thank you and good nights. But that evening was special to me. I remember I was lying in bed, holding my phone and staring at her number. As I said “This is it. Take care of it.”

Days turns to weeks. Our communication became daily and we exchanged ideas on regular basis. But what I love about it was she would leave me with just enough space in our conversation.  So that I could know more about her, talk more and figure out more about her. She is witty, and I find it amusing. She loves her family. Her motivations were noble. She compliments me a lot. She became my listening ear. Especially at that time where my identity stretched in many directions. I am pressured at work. My failed marriage. The redundancy of work-home-work was now beginning to take its toll on me. That’s when she started to make an impact in my life.

We exchanged text message every moment we’re available. We would have quick talks. Late night conversations. Lean on each other during down times. I did not know if she was serious with me, or if I am just one of those guys giving her attention that she wanted. We talked and texted like we knew each other for so long. Within weeks of talking, we became very close as we shared the challenges of our job. Some annoying clients and lifestyle restriction. Our religious beliefs, our hurts, and the things we want to do in life. We talked about life experiences, wants and needs, and desires.

After many days of talking to each other. We’ve decided to meet. Under one condition, since Sunday was the only day we’re both available. If I could travel to Mati from Cotabato City she would accommodate me in her room. I thought for a moment about the distance I would have to travel just to be with her. But the thought of being with her in her own room made me excited. I saved up enough money for my fare and allowance. And I mustered up all the courage that I have to go in an unfamiliar place and be with her.

I left Cotabato City at 5:00 PM right after my work. It was Saturday. I was carrying a backpack filled with emotion and excitement. It was a long and tiring trip, as expected. But she was with me all along. Texting, calling me and asking how my trip was and my location. It was 2:00 AM when I reached Mati. She decided that she will not go out to pick me and just told me to ride a tricycle and go to the address that she texted. The tricycle driver did not send me to the exact location. It was two o’clock in the morning. I was walking in an unfamiliar place while all the people are asleep. I was looking for an address. It was the risk I have to take. To be honest, I even told myself, what if she’s just playing with me? But I found it anyway. She was there waiting for me. Outside of the house where she was staying.

I was hesitant at first but I entered the house and into her room. I can’t remember how it felt but it was like a bolt of lightning. I couldn’t think straight. It also felt like my mind was over by my senses and I felt hypnotized. I could smell her sweet fragrance. My eyes lusted on what she was wearing. As we finally settled and talked about my trip. She pointed and asked me where I want to sleep. She said that I could sleep on the floor or if I want I could sleep with her. Like a little kid waiting for instruction. The weeks of sexual tension. Especially not being able to see each other, helped me reached second base. This is fun. The surge of adrenaline when a girl was lying next to you was intoxicating. She was lying, her back on my face, her body against mine. I could feel the warmth of her skin. I hugged her. I kissed her shoulder and said goodnight. And she reciprocated by taking my hand and hugged it close to her. My hand was on her chest. I was sweating. My mind was telling me to make a move. My consciousness was telling me to please my raging testosterone. I felt I was on top of the world. It was just a couple of months ago when I met her in a conference. Now, she’s here lying by my side and I could feel her breathing. I could feel her body. I could feel her skin. She’s not wearing anything under her shirt. I felt like I climaxed at that moment. Finally, I will not be alone anymore. I love the feeling of being in love. And the thought of not being single anymore. These desires are now fulfilled by someone.

I did not know what to do next. I was asking myself, do I want to sleep with her? Is this relationship all physical? What about my failed marriage? Am I entitled to do this? Where do we go from here? What if our boss found out about us? The mysterious mixed of emotions and testosterone kicked in and just wipe out any trace of logic in my mind. I don’t know if she felt I was nervous or deciding if I would make a move or not. But she remained in her position, hugging my hand into her chest. I let it passed by and just decided to doze off. We remained in that position until the sun was up in the horizon.

In the morning, she decided to tour me around the city. We decided to visit some tourist spot while I was holding her hands. I was observing her. The way she talks and her manners, it’s like she was more confident and trusting now. I’m glad that I didn’t make a move that evening. She was moving and expressing herself more to me. She’s beautiful. Looking at her, sporting that eye-wear placed on her face. Now, I am beginning to see the real her. She was making an impression. She was making herself a place in my heart. I reeled in a good catch. I am now holding a girl that many guys had dreamed about as I hugged her and kissed her on her forehead. All the questions that were running in my mind are now beginning to fade. I am now feeling the freedom. I could love her. This could be it.

It was a tiring day. We visited places here and there. When we got home, I held her hand and pulled her close to me. I removed her eyeglasses. Kissed her. We both let it loose. It was the best sex I’ve had and I believe we both deserve it. Even though I knew I was not going to be able to handle being this far I still initiated and pursued her within my moving months. That was not my last visit. And every time we’ve had our quarterly seminar at Davao. We would wink at each other and meet and stay somewhere after the meeting. Each encounter would be better than the other. It was intense. We were like craving for each other so often. We’ve spent a lot of evening together. Spent Christmas and New Year together.

When she decided to resigned it was evident that this time it would be hard for both of us. She found a new job where the location was far more distanced than the last one. She was reaching out to me. I attempted to keep talking through the location difference between us. But I pulled away from her and found a replacement to fill my void. I pretended to be busy and preoccupied for two weeks. Patria is now in an undesirable location while I was complementing my new found friend. It was sudden. She’s out my life now.

I made a lot of mistakes and wrong decisions in life. I am not writing this to flaunt about my sexual desires, nor am I not proud of it. I needed this to cleanse my mind. This article is my way of admitting that I’ve hurt good and genuine people in my life. Like Patria who trusted me with her full conscience and being. My testosterone filled ego and naive mind had decided to walk into her life. Then ripping whatever was good and setting it in flames. As a result of my poor judgment and lack of self-control.

Patria is now married with a new kid. I visited her Facebook account sometimes to see how she was while I am desperate and looking for a female friend whom I can trust with my heart. I guess the dents in my heart have put me in an unhealthy predicament, which I am desperate to fix.

I am still attracted to female wearing eyeglasses. But this time I am contented to just look at it. Who knows what tomorrow would bring? Maybe another one would come along as I continue to heal and tend my wounds.

 

Do You Trust Me?

Oh how my days are different these days. I’ve always been a bit of a night owl, but nowadays, the nighttime is my own personal retreat. When the whole house is asleep, alarm on, and my darkened roo…

Source: Do You Trust Me? 

Is Transcription Job right for me?

photo courtesy of Google Image search

Transcription job is a huge industry especially with the advent of videos, podcast and other forms of media.  Many bloggers, entrepreneurs, internet marketers, and doctors are now turning to transcription to ensure that their content would become readable and available for everyone.  Gone are the days where they have to write long and arduous paperwork.  All they have to do now is record it and have someone do the job which saves time that allows them to do more.

Yes, it is an in-demand job. But it requires TRAINING.  IF YOU THINK ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS TYPE WHAT YOU HEAR, think again. It may get you the job but sooner or later it will come back at you.  As so with many individuals who got kicked and not paid by their client because of the quality of their work.  This job requires a lot of hard work, patience and a great deal of common sense.  It will not immediately provide for your family’s needs especially if you don’t have the skill set, background and support system.

The reality is not all companies and entrepreneur would be willing to train newbies if they know that there’s someone out there who can do the job for them. Except those who want to manipulate you. Who promises that they would be willing to train you. They are looking for a quick fix and will be gone after two or three files that you have done for them.  Yes, a lot of them will not pay you.  It usually happens to beginners who are very eager to get a job, sad to say it happens to everyone.  Again, it is not an earn-quick type of job.

Working from home is a dream for many people. It evokes freedom,  warmth and comfort, a time for family and a feeling of financial sustainability.  Imagine, you’re avoiding traffic every day, a demanding boss, and annoying office mates. Instead, you’re having time with your kids, able to watch your favorite TV show and unlimited coffee.

HERE’S WHAT YOU NEED TO CONSIDER: If you can type fast and you can follow the 1:4 ratio (meaning a 60-minute file done in four hours).  Yes, you may be the one fit for this job.  That’s the standard rating in the U.S.  But if you may have the speed but you’re poor on punctuation. You may be able to find a client but if you didn’t improve on your grammar you’ll never find any repeat client.  One of the most common excuse a client use is, “We’ll contact you if audio becomes available.”  If you didn’t get the hint.  Chances are you’ll be waiting forever.  It is very important that you learn and improve first so you won’t lose the clients as soon as you get them.

On this list, Janet Shaughnessy, listed 9 SIGNS YOU MAY NOT BE A GOOD FIT FOR TRANSCRIPTION. Take some time to self-reflect here. Are there areas where you need to improve?  What skill set do I have to develop?  I have no intention to discourage you but instead, I want to challenge you and make this a roadmap to your success.

1. IF YOU ARE NOT SELF-MOTIVATED AND WILLING TO WORK HARD, OR IF YOU LACK PATIENCE, this is not a job for you.  To be a transcriptionist requires training, a lot of reading and a great common sense.  You cannot say “I am a transcriptionist,” then you get handed a job. That’s not how it works. You need to have patience and an understanding that it will not happen overnight.  Learn and make progress every day, even if it’s little, and you will be moving in the right direction. The people who can grasp this concept focus first on building excellent skills and following instructions.  Each client has a different set of guidelines that’s why following instruction is a must for this job.  Those folks who has the skills and can follow instruction with less supervision will find success. In contrast, people who expect life handed to them and give up when the going gets tough, well, they will very likely not find success, even in life.

2. IF YOU AREN’T A GOOD TYPIST:  You can learn this.  Again, THIS CAN BE LEARNED.  If you are not willing to undergo training on this you won’t be a good transcriptionist.  Typing requires speed and many transcriptionists earn a lot because of this. Fact: many transcribers in the U.S. can finish 120 minutes in six hours.  You can even increase your rate if you have a very good Turn Around Time (TAT) and follows their deadline.  Typing Master is a downloadable free application where you can practice your typing skills.  Devote 30 minutes every day and you will see changes in a couple of weeks.

3. IF YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW TO PROPERLY PUNCTUATE A SENTENCE, you will not be a good transcriptionist.  Punctuation is what makes a sentence flow. If this is an area where you need improvement, then I would recommend practicing before you work with clients.  A client will not tolerate a job littered with errors.  This, too, is available on the web.  You may visit www.grammarbook.com for an in-depth grammar lesson for free.

4. IF YOU CANNOT SIT FOR LONG PERIODS OF TIME, you will not be a good transcriptionist. This is both for physical and mental health. The truth is, working at home is very flexible, but it can also be lonely. You need to be prepared for it. Some folks thrive on being alone, whereas others get distracted or even drained by the alone time.  You also need to have a comfortable chair, a good working area too.

5. IF YOU AREN’T RELIABLE, you won’t be a good transcriptionist. Not turning around jobs to the client on time is the only thing worse that you can do.

6. IF YOU AREN’T FRIENDLY AND HELPFUL, you will not be a good transcriptionist. Customer service is paramount — if clients get a bad vibe from you or feel like their work isn’t a priority, they’ll look for someone else.

7. IF YOU ARE TECHNOLOGY- OR INTERNET-CHALLENGED OR DO NOT HAVE A COMPUTER, you will not be a good transcriptionist.I once saw a post where a lady asked if they can work on their phone.  How can you perform a job like this on your mobile phone?  That’s not possible.  But there’s a lot of free software that will make the job easier for you.  You can download Express Scribe for free.  Express scribe is a very useful tool that requires mastery too.  You can also visit and download the free version of Grammarly or Ginger app to help you in checking your work.  But since it is free it has a very limited function.

8. IF YOU AREN’T FOCUSED OR LACK SUPERIOR LISTENING SKILLS, you won’t be a good transcriptionist.  The quality of audio and video files varies a lot. Some are easy and others are very annoying. Audio may have lots of background noise, foreign accents, an incessant buzz throughout the file. These are all part of a transcriptionist’s job. You need to be diligent and patient when working with rough audio like that. It can be difficult for a beginner, but with practice, it becomes easier as your skill level increases. Of course, not all transcription files are that hard to transcribe, but you do need to know that it happens. Be prepared for it.  Choosing a very good headset is a must too.  There’s a lot of them available use the one that’s comfortable for you, and something that you can afford.

9. IF YOU DON’T HAVE A PLACE TO WORK THAT’S QUIET WHERE YOU WON’T BE INTERRUPTED, this may affect your ability to be a good transcriptionist. Having babies crawling all over you or kids screaming, dogs barking, tricycle crossing every now and then, a basketball court, a handyman hammering a nail or any place that isn’t conducive to a productive work environment. These distractions can affect your bottom line and your quality of work.  Consider this too when you want to pursue this job.

I am not an expert.  I am sharing these things that I learned in my years of experience as a transcriptionist.  I am also privileged that there are many people who willingly helped and trained me when I was just starting.  People who encouraged me to read to help me hone my skills.  That is why I am paying it forward.

Reading will help you develop the sense of proper sentence construction.  REALLY, IT PAYS A LOT TO READ.

All the tips stated above can be learned but a good attitude cannot.   So if you aren’t willing to put in the work required to become proficient in these areas, then transcription work isn’t for you.  PM me if you have relevant questions.

FOCUS ON THE THINGS THAT WILL HELP YOU TO LEARN AND EARN.

Road less traveled

Bukidnon, Philippines

I know this path,

It’s familiar,

I’ve been here before,

I can still sense my trails,

Though it’s covered with dust and dried leaves

It’s still here.

Nobody ever wants to be here,

No one stays down here,

There’s nothing in this road but despair,

Isolation, loneliness, sadness and fear,

Some didn’t come back because of depression,

It’s real and it’s here.

I am on the edge,

Standing, weighing the situation,

My back against this road,

All I have is time as I patiently wait for you to come,

All I have is my pure love, sincere and honest,

I can’t be here. I can’t be here.

I love you.

Trust that I always do,

The road is tempting,

But I am holding on,

Believing that there’s a chance,

In the deepest recesses of your heart,

It’s possible. I can’t be here.

List of Transcription Company

photo courtesy of Google image search

Here is the list of companies that regularly hire people for work at home transcription. I copied this article from a popular blogspot http://realwaystoearnmoneyonline.com/ by Anna T. Since I’ve been getting a lot of inquiries about what transcription companies to apply.

The list is broken down by companies that will accept entry level transcribers with little to no experience and companies that require experience. Please note this list is primarily for transcription that may cover different fields such as medical, legal, seminars, interviews and other forms of transcription.

Some companies do hire U.S. based transcriptionist but others are constantly hiring freelance transcribers outside of U.S. I still included them so that you will have a general view of how big this industry is.

Hope this list would help those who are seeking to pursue a career in transcription.

Entry Level OK

• AccuTran Global – Prefers experience but will hire newbies if skills test is passed.
• Allegis Communications – Hires occasionally for people to transcribe 20 hours per week. Pays twice a month with direct deposit. Hires newbies if grammar and transcription tests are passed.
• Appenscribe – Will hire newbies. Open worldwide. This company is based out of Australia.
• BAM! Transcription – This company will hire beginners if a skills test is passed. The app is not on their site, so you’ll have to contact them via their contact form to get info on applying.
• Casting Words – Beginners OK. All work are done through Amazon MTurk.
• GMR Transcription – Entry level OK. Hires from U.S. and also Canada.
• Quicktate – No experience needed. Must take a test before being hired. Hires in US & other countries.
• Scribie – No experience needed. Must take test. Hires worldwide.
• SpeechInk – Beginners OK. All work is done through Amazon MTurk.
• Tigerfish – Entry level OK. Must take test. U.S. only.
• TranscribeMe – This is another company that’s open to hiring beginners. Pays via Paypal, no experience needed to get in.
• Ubiqus – Hires for all types of transcription. Will consider beginners. Must type at least 70 wpm.
• Verbal Ink – Occasionally hiring for general transcription. They hire US-based transcribers only and do prefer experience, but you can still get in if you do well on their test.

Requires Experience

• Accuro Transcription – UK based company, hires people w/experience for legal and medical transcription.
• At Home Typing Service – The transcription positions here require at least five years of experience.
• Cambridge Transcription – Hires for legal and corporate transcription, experience required.
• Chromolume Transcription – Requires some experience. You must email them to find out if they are hiring.
• Cyber Dictate – Are currently looking for US based workers with experience in legal transcription.
• eTranscription Solutions – Typing speed of no less than 80 wpm required. Experience are needed. Some of the detail is available on career page.
• Expedict – Hires only experienced audio transcriptionists. They receive a lot of applications so it may take a while to hear back if you apply.
• Fantastic Transcripts – Requires experience. Not currently hiring, but will keep your info on file.
• Focus Forward – This company is often hiring (I see their ads on Craigslist a lot). Experience is required. They accept both English and Spanish language transcriptionists.
• Hollywood Transcription – This company may require experience though it is not stated as a requirement on the website. You must type at least 65 wpm.
• Landmark Associates – Must take the test and they require experience.
• Modern Day Scribe – Must contact them via email to find out if they are hiring. U.S. only.
• Neal R. Gross & Co. – Hires experienced transcribers on a 1099 basis.
• Net Transcripts – Lots of law enforcement based work, must pass their background check for this work. Also hires for financial transcription.
• On the Record Reporting and Transcription – Must live in Austin, TX area because you will be required to work in the office during training time.
• Pioneer Transcription Services – Experience needed. Accepting workers for all types of transcriptions. They also need bilingual transcribers.
• Preferred Transcriptions – Does medical, legal, and general transcription. One year experience is required for general transcription job.
• Production Transcripts – Must be experienced. Fill out online application. Hires sporadically.
• Same Day Transcriptions – Professional transcribers only. Some federal work.
• Say It Back – Entertainment transcription. Must have digital foot pedal and software.
• Silent Secretary – Full and part-time positions. Prefers experience.
• Speak Write – Does both legal and general transcription. Work is on a contract basis and you must have experience.
• Take 1 – Entertainment transcription. Appears to be a UK based company. Prefers experience.
• Talking Type Captions – Must email them via their contact page for more info on transcription positions.
• Terescription – Does entertainment, business, legal, and education transcription. Requires experience.
• TSI Transcription Services – They prefer experience, but you may be able to get in with some very limited experience provided you meet their minimum qualifications.
• Transcription Experts – U.S. only for remote work. Minimum 2 years experience.
• Transcription Outsourcing – Hiring professional and committed transcriptionists. Many types of transcription.
• Voxtab – Hires transcribers from around the world.
• We Scribe It – Must have at least six months experience in the last two years for general transcription.
• WorldWide Dictation – Not always hiring. You have to keep a watch on the opportunities page for openings.

A lot of the companies that are listed above are currently hiring. Some would require a typing and grammar test. Make sure that you are prepared before you proceed on this journey.

If you need assistance or wants to learn the basic of transcription. Please let me know. I would be very willing to answer your inquiries and questions.

 

Happy Anniversary

It was Monday when you said you love me.

Tuesday when we ate dinner together.

Wednesday, our parents were so happy about us. For us.

Thursday, our day of first. The first date, first kiss.

Friday, you and I were holding hands, sitting side by side as we watched the sunset.

Saturday, we made a promise. We bought that lovely infinity ring from a thrift store. You hugged me.

Sunday, we went to church. We made a covenant with God.

Sunday afternoon, you were taken away from me.

Ten years. How fast time flies. It was ten years ago when you died in that tragic accident. Your memories are still fresh. To be honest with you. I could still feel your hand sometimes. I paused every time I remember our first kiss. I even touched my lips, closed my eyes and wished you’re still here with me.

I could still feel how devastated I was that day. You’re my first love. I imagine right now how it was. Puppy love. That’s how they call it. Courting you was the most intoxicating act I’ve ever done. It was our last year in high school, and it was the most memorable. You became my classmate. We were in the same group. I made a promise to myself that I would make you want me. By hook or by crook.

It was your long black hair. Your warm eyes and sweet smile. Your gentleness. The sincere way you speak. The kindness you’ve shown me. I could still recall how I intend to stand next to you so that I could hold your hands during our activity. Your soft skin. Slender body. I dream about that for so many nights, and I still do sometimes. How silly I was every time you caught me looking at you. But you would just smile back. Was it me, or it was you that’s staring at me? I thought that you noticed me too. That gave me enough encouragement. I excelled in class. I participated in every activity. I even became a leader. I never ran out of an idea.

You would smile at me. Those eyes. I thought they want to say something. You nod at me. It was like a confirmation. But I waited. I patiently waited for my chance. Even if I already knew the answer to our assignment. I would come to you. You would look at me as if you’re questioning my intention. I never actually realized that I had a sense of humor. But you would laugh at my jokes. You even sat beside me sometimes. Shoulder to shoulder. It was like cloud nine. I don’t know if you noticed that my right arm and right shoulder were not moving every time you sat beside me. I could smell your sweet perfume. You saw me looking at your face. You asked me why. I was speechless. Ignored your question. Pretended that I didn’t hear it. Looked at our professor. But I was smiling.

I hated it when our class was over. I hated weekend. I hated holidays.

I worked in the market during the weekend. I am one of those kids in the market that sells tomatoes, onions, and garlic. I also helped in carrying heavy baggage for a penny. That’s how I was able to provide for my studies. It was Sunday afternoon. I was very busy carrying heavy loads. While I was lifting a sack of onion. My hands were dirty. My shirt was stained. It was not a fun thing to watch. But you were there, and you saw me. At first, I didn’t know what to do. But you approached me and said, “Hi.” I was astounded. It was an amazing feeling. I felt like Superman that day.

You became more attentive to me. You even put your hands on my shoulder sometimes. I was feeling it. It gave me enough confidence. I worked hard. I study even more. I learned how to divert this feeling that I can’t control. I knew it was love. Believe it was love. But not just yet.

Then my opportunity came. It was raining. Good Lord. Thank you, God, for always reminding me to bring my umbrella. It was raining so hard. You were standing in the corner. I approached you and invited you to join me in my umbrella. Without hesitation, you agreed. I placed my arm on your shoulder as your body was next to mine. I never counted how many steps it was. Nor how much distance we walked together. But honestly, I wished that the rain would never stop. The rain continued as expected. You invited me to just come to your house. It was clear that my answer was yes. It was raining so hard. It was the happiest day of my life. Your mom was so kind to me. Even your brothers and sisters. As if they knew me. I never had the slightest idea.

Days became weeks. Weeks became months. We remained buddy. It was you who coined it. You started calling me budz. At first, I didn’t get it. It took me a while. When I adopted it. Our classmates began to notice us. Still, we didn’t say a word. I think we understand each other. You joined me during lunch. Sat beside me at breaks. Shared some assignments. Shared answers. Shared some jokes. We laughed together. But we never really mentioned anything about our feelings. You would look at me. I would look at you. It doesn’t even matter who caught who. We would just smile at it.

Your mom would smile at me every time I saw her in the market. Your brother would tap me on my shoulder during our encounter. Still, I had no idea. I was invited every time there’s birthday, anniversaries, Fiesta and even on ordinary days. It was fun. I guess we both understand it that we never have to say the words.

It was graduation when I intentionally hold your hand. You allowed me. You said congratulations. But I can’t control it anymore. Instead of answering I hugged you tightly. You hugged me too. That was it. I felt it. Your mom saw us. She hugged me too. That surprised me. You cried. I asked why. You said it was tears of joy. But I believe it was something else. Your mom said, “Thank you for waiting. Please, celebrate with us.” Then she left us. I was puzzled. But you hugged me again. It was like music to my ear when you said, “You can start courting me now.” I was literally jumping and shouting. That was the second happiest day of my life.

It was all a memory now. Looking back on that Sunday afternoon. That could have been us or me. But why it was just you? I just went back to the store to returned the excess change. That slightest moment made a difference. It happened right in front of me. In a blink of an eye. The love of my life was taken away from me. You never made it to the hospital. I was devastated. All of us were devastated. It was very painful. I intended to end my life too. But your mom never left me. She said that you would want me to go on with my life. She wanted me to cherish our memories. She started sharing stories about you, about us. About our days at school. About how you talked about me a lot. About how I earned your family’s respect. We were both crying. Your brother shook my hand and thanked me. Your sister hugged me and told me she knew how much you love me. How much you hated when our class was over. How you hated weekends and holidays.

Ten years. Ten long years. All I have is a bouquet of roses, a candle, and your tomb. I still visit your mom. She’s old now. But still strong. Your siblings are still kind to me. They still invite me if there’s a celebration. My wife asked me why I still visit you. It took her a while to understand it. And I’m glad she did. By the way, I’m with my daughter now. I told her about you. About our funny stories. I know that you are happy now. Singing hymns and playing instruments. That’s what people do in heaven.

Thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for the friendship. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for the memories.

I still love you. Happy anniversary.

Help Me

image search at Google

I beat my wife. I abused her physically, emotionally. And this is my story.

How did it start?
Where did it come from?
I am not sharing this story to justify my case. But I believe these things might help you understand me.

My childhood memories haunt me. Sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the night, crying. I am afraid. I am insecure about a lot of things. I smile. I am cheerful. But there’s an animal inside of me. Hiding. He is not chained. He freely roams my mind and my heart. Altering my decisions. Causing me to be angry. He gets irritated easily. He wants to swing his hands to anyone, to someone, especially to those that are weak, and that person was my wife.

I love to beat her. I like to slap her face. I like to kick her. Because she doesn’t tell anyone that it’s what I’m doing. She doesn’t share her burden with her friends. Oh, she’s so good at hiding her pain most importantly in public. I slapped her, but I didn’t beat her in the face. Because people could see that. I hit her in the body. In her stomach. I punched her in the abdomen. She gasped for air. I love that. I grabbed her neck and choked her. It’s like music in my ear when she says sorry. She shivered when I looked at her. I love her. I love her because I dominate. She loves me. She told me she loves me. While she was crying and her hands on her belly. She said she like me. She was sincere. I love that.

But deep inside she doesn’t know that I am weak. She doesn’t know that I cry for help. I can’t let her notice that. I can’t show her that I tremble whenever she attempts to fight back. I can’t let her show my friends that she is in control. I can’t submit to her. I can’t be. I don’t want to. It will never happen. I can’t let her have me. He is in control. He is, always. He should be. This chained monster inside me. He is. He grew to become a monster.

It all started when I was five. Yes, I was five.

Both my parents were working. I am the only child. A lonely child. Our neighbor would take care of me while they’re gone. Her child would take my toys. If I cry, she will slap me. She just wants me to stay in the corner. If I moved, she would shout at me. If I asked for food, she would put a handful in my mouth. She would pull me in my ear. Grabbed me in my hair. Pinched me in my belly. Hit me with a pot on my head. But she was smiling when my parents are around. She hugged me. Carried me in her arms. Even kissed me on my cheeks. I was puzzled. But I guess that’s the way it should be. I never told my parents about that.

When I was seven we moved to a new place, a new house. Our neighbor waved goodbye before we left. She was happy. I was happy.

Still, both my parents were working. I entered primary school. I don’t know anybody. I’m the new kid in the neighborhood. Nobody wants to talk to me. Nobody ever approached me. But the bullies. One kid took my lunch box and threw my meal in the bin. There was laughter in the classroom when I cried. One kid broke the mirror in our classroom. When our teacher asked who did it. They all pointed at my direction. She beats me on my hand, on my butt and I was left standing that whole afternoon. I can’t cry. I must not cry. Sometimes I would go home late because they hid my bag and I had to find it. Or sometimes my bag was heavy because it was filled with stones. I can’t pull it out. Or else they would throw it at me. One kid punched me. He said he just wanted to punch me. I pushed him afterward. I was standing that whole afternoon because of that. My books were destroyed. My pencil was missing. My uniform soiled and written. I was afraid to go to school. I never told my parents about that.

When I was eight. My parents were still working. But it changed a bit. They started arguing. My dad learned to gamble. He was always drunk. My mom started cheating. She’s smoking now. I thought that was normal. If my dad arrived and mom was not home. He would beat me. I asked why. But he punched me. I didn’t know how to cook. He forced me. If my mom arrived first, and dad was not home. She would beat me if the house were dirty. If they’re both at home. There was shouting. They argued a lot. I just sat in the corner. Watching them beat each other. I thought that was normal. I can’t cry. I must not cry. Or else they would beat me. I just watched them. My dad would use his belt on me. My mom, a stick. Either way, it was painful. There’s so much anger in their face. I was bruised. I have a lot of scars because of that. I skipped meals because no one was home. There was darkness in the evening. Still, I was left in the corner. Alone. Nursing my wounds. I always reminded myself I can’t cry. I must not cry. I was hungry. I was in pain. But I never told my parents about that.

Eventually, they got separated. And I’m left with my father. He was still working. Sometimes he would not go home for days. I learned how to eat grass, leaves or spoiled food. I just remained home. Doors closed. I sat near the window. I can’t play outside. Most children don’t want to play with me. Some would poke me in the head. Our electricity was disconnected. It was dark at night. At times my dad would come home drunk. He would blame me for his misfortune. He would beat me. In the stillness of the night, you could hear his belt on my back. He was cursing. He was angry. One time, I was placed in a sack and he hung me for a day. I was so afraid. I cried for help. Nobody listened. I was so hungry. I urinated. I was trembling. I was shocked. I can still remember when he loses a lot of money in gambling. He arrived home. I was asleep. He was so mad at me. He punched me. Kicked me. Carried me and threw me out the window. He picked me up. Pulled me back inside the house. I was crying. Begging for mercy. But he wouldn’t stop. He lifted the sofa and would throw it at me. Hadn’t my neighbor intervened? Maybe I am dead right now. I was wounded. I was in pain. But I love him. I never told my father about that.

When I was eleven. My father was still working, gambling. But there were some changes. He came home with someone. She said she would be my new mom. I thought she was kind. I was wrong. When my father was not home. She would beat me too. I still got the scars on my body and on my legs to prove that. She would curse at me. I was lucky to have one decent meal in a day. I did the laundry. I fetched water. I did the cooking. Did a lot of chores. If I missed a spot. She would tie my hands under the stairs and beat me. She would have me knelt on salt at times. She poured a boiling water at my foot and told my father that it was an accident. There was a lot of things going on. But she pointed a knife at my face and warned me that she would slit my throat if I told my father about that. It went on for so long. I was afraid. But I never told my father about that.

You see if it was not at home, or at school and even outside our house with my neighbors. I would always end up hurt or in pain. Someone, somewhere, always wants a piece of me. I started hating myself. I attempted suicide a lot of times to escape. I stabbed myself. I put a rope around my neck. I even tried poisoning myself. Nobody cared. But I am still alive. I survived.

But it all stopped when I learned how to fight back. I stabbed a kid with my pen. I looked at him with no remorse. I kicked a sick dog. He was weak. He deserved it. I drowned a cat. Chased a neighbor’s chicken and pulled its head. I threw a large stone on my step-mother’s back after she slapped me in my face. She was shocked. Oh, if I could see that look on her face again. My father. His beating stopped when I punched him in the face. I’m not a kid anymore. He was stunned and he remained standing for so long. I guess he was surprised. I left home after that and never came back. I am not a child anymore. I am not afraid. I have no regret. But I never told my father about that.

I discovered how it felt to beat someone. How glorious it was to be dominant. The adrenaline. The rush of watching someone begging for mercy. That’s how it all started. That’s how I learned to punish someone. It consumed me. I became addicted to it.

Again, I am not telling you this story to justify my case. I am sharing this story because I need some help. I need your help. There’s still a lot to tell. But I am locked now. If you are willing. I want to know about your God. I want to confess my sins. I want to receive his grace and mercy. Please visit me. Nobody wants to talk to me. Nobody understands me. Will you? Promise, I will never tell my parents about that.

A Christmas story of forgiveness

coffee painting by Amiel Natividad

It was Friday, two days before Christmas, at around four o’clock in the morning. I was drunk. It has been for many days. While I was walking alone on a dark street, I saw some people walking, heading to the direction of Cathedral of St. Augustine. I remembered it was Misa de Gallo. I thought for a moment about it but then decided I can still manage to go to church. So, I walked along. At the church, I could smell alcohol on my shirt. So, I decided just to stay outside and sat on one of the empty benches outside. While I was fighting the effects of alcohol in my system, I managed to be sane and smiled at the person that sat next to me. He was an aged man. I saw that his hair had some streaks of white. His wrinkled face lacks emotions.

His tired eyes managed to look at me. He smiled, I smiled back. He then started telling me that it was a cold night. Then we exchanged some observation about the people coming. He asked me if I always come to this place. I answered that I had no intention coming here but since transportation to my place was not available. I decided just to come and wait until morning. He began telling me stories about this church. He said where he was from and shared with me what he’s doing for a living.

It was a good conversation, and then I heard that the service was about to start. But this man just ignored it and continued talking. I was trying not to be disrespectful. I began to start looking at the direction where I can see the priest. I began to show signs that this conversation is over, but he’s ignoring me. I told him that the service was about to start and I needed to get inside. When I was about to stand up, he held me and told me to stop. My first reaction was to get away from him. I was afraid. When he looked at me, and I saw his eyes. I was in awe. He was in tears. His hands were trembling. His voice mumbled. I didn’t know what to do.

So, I sat back and asked him what happened. He then began sharing stories about his daughter, about how much he loved her. He asked me a profound question with sincerity. “Do you think God will forgive me for the death of my daughter?” was his question. I was in awe. I thought that he killed her daughter or something. But it was a different story. He said that they argued a lot. He was a single father, and it was his intention to protect his only daughter. He was telling her daughter that he had heard a lot of negative comments about her current boyfriend and advised her that she should find another guy. Not a drunkard, irresponsible and sybarite guy who only thinks about himself. Their arguments would go on. He also told me that they would not talk for days after arguing. And his daughter would not go home for a day or two.

Then two weeks ago, he said that his daughter came home late. Thinking that she was with that guy again, it made him furious, and he said some words and when his daughter badmouthed him. He slapped her in the face. Her daughter ran outside their house crying. He tried to pull her inside, but she ran so fast. That’s the last time he had a conversation with her daughter. The following morning she was in the news. She died in an accident. The driver was drunk according to the police report. To make matters worst, they found out that she was pregnant. He lost a daughter and grand-daughter that evening. And he doesn’t even know who her boyfriend is. He didn’t even show up even during the funeral. He said that he had already forgiven her daughter’s boyfriend. But he can’t seem to forgive himself. If only. Why. An overwhelming statement for a father who lost his love.

I can’t find the right words to say. I felt the sadness in every word that he said. At that moment I was speechless. I was trying to pick the right words to say. I don’t want to be cruel. I can’t be so judgmental. The only words I mustered was to tell him that God loves him and that we celebrate Christmas to remind us that Christ has taken all our sins at the Cross. Like a sudden gust of wind, his face lit up and told me that that’s the confirmation that he was waiting. Isolated himself for so long that all he could hear are other people blaming him. He stood up, hugged me, and greeted me Merry Christmas. That’s the last time I saw him.

I stayed there for a moment. My mind can’t make up what had happened. That morning changed my life. I was drunk that night because I was blaming myself too. And going to that church was not my plan to set myself free from the grief of losing someone I loved. I loved her so much. But my selfishness was more identifiable than my love for her. I went out with my friends a lot and got drunk while she waits for me to go home. I often demanded her love and physical presence, but I can’t be there whenever she needs me. I cheated on her, and I cheated a lot. Because I know that she will be there for me no matter what I do.

One evening she called me and she was crying. Asking me where I am because it was late at night and she got nowhere else to go. I was irritated. It was not supposed to be that way. But I can’t tell her where I am because someone else was sleeping beside me that evening. I lied as I always do for so many times. I hang up. She called many times. But I didn’t answer. When her calling stops, I thought she was already home. The following morning I was trying to call her. But I can’t reach her. I figured she was just mad. She was like that. She will not talk for days. But she will come back. That’s what I thought.

On the third day, I still can’t reach her. I was beginning to worry but thought that it was just normal. Until a friend of mine asked me If I saw the local headline on the news. “You know that I hate watching the news,” was my remark. He said that my girlfriend died in an accident. He also stated that according to the News the driver was drunk. And all her personal belongings were gone including her mobile phone. I’m stunned. Self-pity enamored me. If only I was there that evening. Too many what ifs. Blaming myself for her early demise.

I didn’t have the courage to be at her wake and even at her funeral. Her father doesn’t like me. He doesn’t even know me. I was afraid. He might blame me for her death. I’m threatened. Not knowing what to do. I resorted to drinking as an escape especially when I found out that she was pregnant. When everyone was gone. I went to her tomb. Knelt down. And I asked for forgiveness. I could have been a husband and a father. Now it’s all gone. I cried a lot that day. Too late for confession. Too late to ask for forgiveness.

The mass was almost over now. People are coming out and starting to fill the stalls outside the church. But I am still sitting at the corner. Trying to absorb what just happened. Nothing was ever an accident. Everything happened for a reason. My encounter with my girlfriend’s father was a clear sign that God is working in my life. That He’s telling me that I should forgive myself too. Like the way, God had forgiven me. I know that I was not able to tell my girlfriend’s father that I was the guy he was looking for. Watching the horizon, I believe someday in his daughter’s tomb we will meet again.

tenses

a scene at Miss Saigon

It was chaotic.

I am confused.

I feel so alone.

Then you came.

I never expected you to become part of my life… but you did.

I never thought that love would come in my life….but it did.

I never expected that I would love again…but I did.

Will the tenses matter if we become together?

DO, DID, DOES.

As long as we’re together tenses will change…but not US.

New Year’s Resolution, anyone?

photo image from Desiring God

Are you making a New Year’s resolution this evening? Since the first time you started making it, how many of them have you completed? I think we have the same experience. I can’t even remember the last time I created one. I always fail to complete them anyway. But this article from David Mathis gave me a new perspective about New Year’s resolution. Read along and be blessed by it. Let it become your guide as you create your plans for 2017.

An article by David Mathis from Desiring God.

New Year’s resolutions can be an important first step, but they are a far cry from real, lasting change.

The ringing in of a new year brings with it the possibility of a fresh start, or at least a fresh reminder to turn the page on some (or many) ways we’d like to grow and mature in the next season of life. But haven’t we all tried this enough times by now to know how futile mere resolves are if not accompanied by more?

Whether it’s eating and exercise, or Bible-reading and prayer, the God-created mechanism we call “habit” is vital for seeing our earnest resolutions through to enjoyable realities. If we really are resolved to see our hopes for 2017 become life-enriching habits, we will do well to keep several basic truths in mind at the outset of a new year.

1. Focus on a Few, Not Many.

Better than big emotional, private resolves about the many things you want to “fix” about your life is dialing in just one or two realistic, and really important, resolves with a concrete plan and specific accountability. The excitement of a new year, and ease with which we can desire change, often leads us to bite off way more than we can chew for a new year.

It’s much better to focus on just a couple new habits — even better, just one. And if you’re going to narrow it to just one (or maybe a couple or three), you might as well make it count. Identify something important that will give your new-habit-forming particular focus, even while this one resolve will reap benefits in other areas of your life. Soul-strengthening “habits of grace” are precisely this. Going deeper in God’s word, prayer, or your local church will produce an invaluable harvest.

Consider a specific focus for the new year, or just the first three months of 2017, or even just January. A year is a long period of time in terms of habit-forming; typically we would do much better to just make one resolve at a time, and do so every few months, than to attempt many things and for so long a period as twelve months.

2. Make It Specific.

Bible intake, prayer, and Christian community likely are too broad in and of themselves. Give it more specific focus like reading the whole Bible this year, or not just reading but daily meditating on a short passage or verse, or even just a word or phrase (in context). Don’t keep it general at “prayer,” but make it more particular: private prayer each morning, or bedtime prayer with your spouse or family, or punctuating your day with “constant prayer,” or some new prayer initiative as a community group or church.

Perhaps as the old year is coming to a close, you’re realizing how spotty your church commitment has been, and how thin your relationships are as a result. You might resolve to deepen your commitment to not neglect your meeting together “as is the habit of some” (Hebrews 10:25), whether that’s making Sunday mornings more nonnegotiable or prioritizing your midweek investment in life together in community group. Resolve in 2017 not to let silly last-minute excuses keep you from faithfully gathering with the body of Christ, which will be a priceless, long-term means of God’s grace both to you and throughyou, to others.

3. Craft a Realistic Plan.

However earnest your resolution, you need a corresponding amount of realistic planning. Let’s be honest, you don’t really want to enrich your prayer life if you’re not willing to give it even just a few minutes of creative thought about where, when, and how you will pray in 2017. Map out clearly and concretely what it would take for a full month to cultivate the habit. Think long term and make sure it’s realistic.

Part of being realistic is accepting a measure of modesty to your goals. Don’t try going from no regular devotions to an hour every morning. Start with a focused fifteen minutes a day, perhaps even ten, but make it genuinely nonnegotiable, and see what God does. Grow your duration and depth as Scripture intake becomes a fixture in your schedule, and you learn to wake up each day even more hungry for the Bible than for breakfast.

4. Identify the Reward.

Runners will tell you that being heart-healthy in their old age is not their driving motivation. It’s a nice added benefit, of course, but a reward that is nondescript, and a long way off, won’t get you out of bed in the morning and into your running shoes on for long. Rather, what motivates most long-term runners is feeling great today, whether it’s the endorphins, or the sense of accomplishment or clear-headedness, or all the above.

Trying to draw on the same long-range motivation each morning to get out of bed and hear God’s voice in the Scriptures will soon run dry. And God doesn’t mean for us to be motivated merely by distant, future rewards, important as they are. God supplies bountiful motivations for today. His mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22–23). He means for us to taste and see his goodness right now (Psalm 34:8). He can meaningfully satisfy our restless souls in real, life-transforming measure right now.

Over the years, I have found the most transformative reward in cultivating habits of grace to be, not being stronger and holier as a Christian long-term, but knowing and enjoying Jesus today. Having my soul satisfied in him today. Making my heart merry in him this morning.

The point of daily spiritual discipline isn’t first and foremost being holy or obtaining growth, but knowing and enjoying Jesus and having our souls satisfied, imperfectly but powerfully, in him. The final joy in any truly Christian habit or practice or rhythm of life is, in the words of the apostle, “the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord” (Philippians 3:8). “This is eternal life” — and this is the goal of the means of grace — “that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent” (John 17:3). Fly Hosea 6:3 as a banner over your 2017 spiritual resolutions: “Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord.”

5. Enlist Regular Accountability.

One of the flaws in so many resolutions is that they stay private. When we really mean it, we draw in real and regular accountability. We are sinners. Our heads are not always screwed on straight. We need others to speak into our lives, and hold us accountable for who we’ve said we want to be, and what we’ve said we want to do.

Perhaps talk through some of these principles for forming good habits and consider a monthly calendar reminder to check in with each other. It is a great means of God’s grace that he has not left us alone in forming spiritual habits.

6. Cover Your Efforts in Prayer.

At the end of the day, and the end of another, the Holy Spirit is decisive, not our spiritual habits, for producing any lasting, spiritual fruit. Cultivating wise habits are not our attempt to work for God’s acceptance, but to work out our salvation (Philippians 2:12–13).

In prayer, we re-consecrate ourselves again and again to pursue our resolves “by the strength that God supplies — in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ” (1 Peter 4:11). We would be foolish to pour fresh, regular efforts into new spiritual habits without explicitly asking God to make it truly fruitful.

And so we pray — not just act, but ask — “that our God may make you worthy of his calling and may fulfill every resolve for good and every work of faith by his power” (2 Thessalonians 1:11).

Resolutions are not enough. But God has not just left us to resolutions.